Sex, Dating & Technology: Mr. Jigsaw
I've contemplated how to go about writing this post a million different ways. And so I decided to not overthink it and just write.
As many of you have suspected on social media I was spending a lot of my time with a certain individual.
Originally the first post in this new series was going to be about online dating. And I still plan on writing a post about my experience.
But today I wanted to talk about Mr. Jigsaw.
Now I know some of you were hoping to get a peek of what this person looks like. And why wouldn't you? But out of respect for this persons privacy and my own for that matter I will never reveal his name or post a photo of him or us together to any of my social media outlets or website. I will however be posting shots of all the amazing food we've shared and places we've been together.
I met this person about a month ago. Our first meeting was great. It was one of those situations where you feel immediately comfortable around someone. Like you've known them for years. We had a great meal, laughed a lot and talked into the early hours of the morning.
Over the course of the evening we learned a lot about each other. Our shared love of food and coffee balanced out our love/hate relationship with the gym. We discovered that we had both been adopted and strangely enough were both left handed. I know it seems like a small detail but I don't know anyone else who was adopted and there aren't a lot of us lefties out there either.
At one point during our conversation he admitted to me that he actually thought a friend was playing a joke on him. That I was too good to be true. So to discover that we had all these shared commonalities kind of blew his mind. And I was right there with him on that.
We had such a good time that night, we ended up getting together the very next day.
The physical attraction was immediate for both of us. Because that's what you look for when you sign up for a friends with benefits situation.
I want to be completely honest and say that neither of us were looking for a relationship. It was to be a fun and casual kind of thing. Friends with benefits (fwb), if you will, even though we had just met.
In my younger days, I've gone the whole friend with benefits route and it was quite simple. Just casual sex, maybe share a meal and some drinks but nothing else. Figure out the when and where and you get in and get out. Because there are hard and fast rules when it comes to a friends with benefits situation.
They say you should never do anything together that resembled a relationship. That included not texting one another other than to decide when and where to meet up. Always keeping things strictly in the bedroom and never ever go out on any kind of outing that resembled a date.
Sleepovers and cuddling was off limits and your personal lives should never enter the discussion. Affection outside of the bedroom was a big no no and you certainly don't kiss the person goodbye and say call or text me later.
Pretty much anything that could possibly be construed as a sign that the two of you are an item was out. Because if you really wanted those sort of things, you would get a girlfriend/boyfriend and not a FWB.
Now this is where this particular situation gets a little tricky because well, we did all of those things you're not supposed to do. We texted each other good morning and good night. We texted each other throughout the day talking about everything from work, to our families and even asking one another how their day was going.
We went out to dinner, walked around the city holding hands and never once was he afraid to show affection towards me in public. At night we would talk, laugh and cuddle into the morning. On more than one occasion we would eat all three meals together. Pretty much all the things that go against the friends with benefits standards.
He was also very protective of me when we were out. Always making sure I felt comfortable and safe. Guiding me through crowded restaurants, shifting me to the inside of the sidewalk on busy streets. He even grabbed the back of my coat one night as I attempted to jump over a puddle on the snowy streets of Boston so I wouldn't land in a gigantic wet hole in the ground. He joked about putting one of those kid leashes on me because I also had a tendency to not pay attention to oncoming traffic.
Now at this point I know what some of you are probably thinking. What kind of weird fwb situation were you two in, it sounds to me like you two were dating. Because from an outsiders perspective for all intents and purposes we appeared to be a couple. But we weren't. And we weren't just calling each other to hook up either. So what the hell were we doing? The only way I can describe the situation was that we had become this weird hybrid. FWB/dating with a light dusting of relationship type tendencies thrown in for good measure because the lines weren't blurred enough already (way to go you two lol).
*UPDATE: I can now confirm that what we had was what's referred to as a "non-relationship" which you can read about here.
On the flip side some of you are probably thinking that this person was simply doing these things because yes, we were in fact sleeping together. But I don't think it was that simple. Men typically don't give up their free time, especially their weekends for a fwb situation. I don't care how good the sex is.
And trust me when I say that the last thing a man, who doesn't want a relationship, wants to do is send a message to everyone that he was part of a couple. But that's exactly what happened. All the hand holding and kisses in the nooks between storefronts, in restaurants, on the street waiting for a red light to turn was on display for all to see. It wasn't a secret because we weren't trying to hide anything behind closed doors.
I remembered thinking to myself maybe I've just been out of the game for way too long. Is this what the friends with benefits arrangement entails now? Behaving like you're in a relationship without really being in a relationship? I even consulted with some of my younger single friends and frankly they really didn't know what to make of the whole situation either.
There's no question in my mind that we cared about one another on some level. Otherwise we'd be having sex and then continuing on with our day. Separately. The only rational explanation I could come up with is it wasn't in his character to just have sex and leave the woman he was with no matter what the situation was from the start.
Yes we had both agreed that neither of us wanted a relationship and that if we were to meet anyone else we'd let the other person know. But the word relationship can be interpreted a million different ways. Because at the end of the day I don't care if you're friends with benefits, casually dating, exclusive or married. You are essentially establishing a relationship (physical, emotional or both) with that person. Otherwise we'd all be robots with no thoughts, feelings or opinions.
They say all good things must come to an end. And I'm sure you're curious about what happened. But the how and why that came to be will always remain between us. I'm thankful for the time that we had because we experienced some pretty amazing things together. And even though I only got to experience it for a little while, it helped me to realize what I actually wanted in both a relationship and a partner. I had more fun with this person than I've had in years and wish him only the best in what I know is going to be a very bright and happy future.
They say that everyone comes into your life for a reason. What you learn from that experience is up to you. Here's what I have learned.
I dictate my own happiness. I don't need a man to do that. But it would be nice to find one who will only add to an already happy and full life. I want to be with a man who is proud to be seen with me, act like no one else is watching and look at me as if I'm the only woman in the entire world. I want to have long conversations into the night, laughing and talking about anything and everything. I want to be cuddled, and kissed and held every night. I will never settle for anything less than being treated with kindness and respect where my feelings and opinions matter. But mostly I want to be loved for who I am as a woman, without question or reservation. And the occasional save from oncoming traffic or a giant puddle wouldn't hurt either lol
A few months ago I was pretty lost with no real direction about where my life was headed. Now I'm excited and hopeful for the future. For my future. Whatever that may be.